My Most Recent Plight

Notice I said "Most recent". I started typing "My Plight". Then I heard my mother's voice saying, in her questioning/condescending tone, "You only have one?" Ok, ok.. so I ALWAYS seem to have a plight, but this one is a pending plight..... with Rutter's Farm Stores. A few weeks ago we received a Zoning Hearing Notice from our township office. Well tomorrow is the hearing and I have myself all worked up! You see our lovely local Rutter's has decided that they would like to change their hours from 6am-12am to 24hours. Why?! We live less than a mile from 3 24 hour Rutter's! Do they really need another 24 hour convenience store in a 1 block radius. Could someone please call the Rutter's family and explain "saturation" and "over-kill"! They, oddly enough, are a commercial property in the midst of a residential area. We purchased our house knowing Rutter's would close at midnight. Honestly, it's nice when they close. The neighborhood gets quiet, traffic becomes basically nonexistent, and things finally get dark. It's great! Now the Rutter's conglomerate is asking for a "Special Exception" that would allow them to shine their insanely bright lights through our windows 24/7/365. Yeah, that's right 365! Seriously people, take a flippin holiday! God forbid a possible one dollar profit is lost! Ahhh! Anyhow I really don't need the extra noise, increased truck traffic, and blinding lights glaring through the windows (think Kramer and the Kenny Rogers Roasters sign). Besides, who honestly visits these stores at 3 am? Ya know I'm gonna be awakened at an ungodly hour by "YO! ANTWAHN! DO YOU NEED SOME CIGS? WHAT! THE GREEN ONES? OH NO SHIT DOG THEM THINGS STINK I GET YOU DA BLUE PACK!
silence... then.. ANTWAHN! YOU GOT ANY MONEY FO ALL DIS?!" Before he even had a chance to respond I know my head will be hanging out the front window telling him to get off his ghetto ass and by his own damn "cigs". Oh! The stress of even thinking about it is driving me nuts! If you are reading this, please take a moment and pray about our meeting tonight. Oh, and if you think I'm being racist by my choice of names I'm not. Just insert any replacement for Antwahn, like Bo, Bubba, Rico.... ya know whatever! Choose any name that would fit the name of the person who would be unable to buy "cigs" for himself at 3am! Ugh! Welcome to my pending plight! Besides, WHO really goes to Rutter's? Anyone who is anyone KNOWS Rutter's tea sucks (Turkey Hill yum!) and Sheetz has cheaper gas and more convenient everything! If Rutter's is looking to increase their profit perhaps they should ditch the 24hour idea and try selling Turkey Hill tea and disguising their building as a Sheetz!

If You Are A Blood Realitive Of A Klahold (Or A Hunt) Stop Reading Here

Ok, obviously if you are reading this you are not a Klahold or a Hunt. If you are a Klahold or a Hunt, well you've been warned. I am currently so angry I could spit! Oh, wait I'm sure I've been spitting as I released my venom on my Mom, my Sister and James. You see, today I spent 7 hours digging through garbage, spiders, rat shit and poison. Why? Well my mother-in-law has finally decided to sell her property. In order to do this farm machinery (mainly severely rusted and in pieces) needs to be dug out of piles of weeds and poison. I mean honestly, we're not talking a few weeds, we're talking find a piece of metal peaking out of the woods and then start digging. I never thought I'd know the joy of uncovering machinery. For those who didn't marry into the less fortunate side of the Clampet's, let me explain. One walks through the woods until you bump into something that feels like metal. Then you take a large metal gardening rake and scrape it over the metal until you can identify the form. Then you have the joy of yelling "Ah, look I found a plow!" Seriously, Christmas has NOTHING on this! In fact I found a Lincoln Welder today! Now, growing up in a welding family I saw LOTS of welders. I must say none of them were as creative as this one! Not only was it completely covered with poison on the outside, it actually had poison growing up through the inside. The only clue I had as to what it might be was the tell-tale Lincoln logo peeking out through the mass of vines. So, after spending my day digging through a landfill. My husband informs me that his mother told him to "Tell his wife to be quiet." REALLY? Now, I wonder why James waited until we got home to tell me such a thing. Well, since I've been forbidden to call Vonny (my mother-in-law) I've decided to just post my reaction here..... (1) You have a problem..... tell ME. If I upset you, tell ME. I call it like I see it, I always have, if this bothers you call me on it! (2) What exactly did I say that upset you? Here is a list of possibilities..... (a) "The only thing that will clean this house is a bulldozer!" (No reason to get upset, this is TRUE... notice no one brought cleaning supplies today, only metal rakes and shovels. A bulldozer WILL BE the only thing cleaning the house.) (b) "How the hell does a house ever get like this!" (This is also a TRUE. How the hell does a house ever get like that! Oh, and please don't blame it on "the boys", YOU were the parent, they were the children! Grab a mop, grab a bucket and throw the greasy shit outside! Oh, oh, oh! And the yard! I can hear it now! "The boys would never....mow, weed etc." Well throw a freakin match out the front door. They would have started running as soon as the flames started flickin the barn!) (c) "You don't get to watch the races when you have THIS to deal with!" (Again.... TRUE! If you need $ and the only way to get $ is to sell property, scrap metal, books, machinery then your butt had better be helping with the process NOT parking in front of Nascar!) (d) "It didn't look like this when Walt died." (TRUE, and self explanatory! It DIDN'T look like that when Walt died! For example, one could see the kitchen floor! (e) "When you're gone, I'm roasting marshmallows over these books." (Yet again...TRUE! What does anyone need with THAT many books! There is easily thousands upon thousands of romance novels! Why? Read it and pass it along! There will be others. Just read it and pass it along.) (f) "What is she planning on doing, bubble wrapping the dishes with the rat shit on them?!" (Ok Vonny, seriously what are you planning on doing with those dishes? There is no running water in the house and you want to save dishes that are covered in rat shit! Some of the dishes even have food on them still! EEEWWW!) Aside from those comments I don't know what I could have said that would lead you to think I needed to be silenced. However, since I have the chance, let me just say..... half the crap you took to Dawn's house today (ex. boxes of unopened bills and statements from 2002-2003) is only going to clutter her home. I think it is a sick disgrace that you would want to clutter your child's home the way you have cluttered your own! Well, after immersing my self in poison and the black plague my "thank you " comes in the form of "Tell your wife to be quiet!" Therefore I'm done, good luck working on the rest. Now how exactly do you plan on accomplishing anything with your "too sore to actually do anything feet"? Yeah, good luck with all that, I'm sure as hell not going back down there and I think James may have other things to occupy his time. So, have fun digging out farm equipment, gathering up all the farm machinery and hauling all that crap out of that house. I (a.k.a we) are done!

Wendy

Hey Eveyone! Wendy, my sister (the skinny one), just started her own blog! Visit her at http://www.livinonashoestring.blogspot.com/ and don't forget to leave a comment and let her know what's up and what you think of her new adventure into the world of blogging! Good luck Wendy! I look forward to reading your blog for some comic relief from MY day! Oh, hopefully this picture will further help her realize that the boat picture did NOT show back fat! At least not as much as mine would have!

Children Of The Corn

On Tuesday the kids and I tie-dyed a whole bunch of shirts. As you can see the kids are showing off their creations, while at the same time showing off James' corn crop! Welcome to our urban farm!

Just Another Day In Paradise

Today I spent the day laying on the beach. A small deserted beach on an isolated island. An island covered with soft white sand and palm trees. The air smelled of coconut. A gentle breeze blew and I spent the entire day dozing in and out of consciousness as I soaked up the sun's rays. Luck? Na, just today's mental "happy place". Had it not been for my private beach I would most likely be walking aimlessly through the house drooling and twitching! I woke this morning, stumbled into the bathroom, peed and realized that the entire toilet was FILLED with toilet paper! In my lazy, half awake state I decided to attempt to flush. The water rose, and rose, and rose. Just as it was about to crest over the top of the rim I bent down and turned off the water. Ugh, I just wanted to pee and shower! I trudged out to the kitchen, grabbed my tongs and returned to the potty to remove half a roll of TP! "Who put this HUGE wad of TP in the potty?" "Me Did, responded Reid." "Why would you need this much TP?!" "Daddy says if me blow my nose with the toilet paper, I can just frow it in the potty." "YOU DO NOT NEED HALF A ROLL OF TP TO BLOW YOUR NOSE! MY GOOD GOD BOY DID YOU SLEEP LAST NIGHT, OR DID YOU SPEND THE NIGHT PROPPED UP BESIDE THE POTTY BLOWING YOUR NOSE?!" No response. I shake my head and realize that this is just further evidence that my husband has no clue! He's off trucking around the Northeast while I'm left digging his advice out of the shitter with my kitchen tongs! Happy frickin morning to me. The rest of the day was a blur of arguments between my children and their cousins. Highlight fight of the day consisted of "Which is more deadly, cigarettes or cigars?" My boys argued cigars are safer because you "don't inhale a cigar". My sisters girls argued that cigarettes are safer because they are "smaller than cigars." I listened from my tropical "happy place" and mentally sided with my nieces. I can follow the "smaller than" argument. Add a small joint to my "happy beach scenario" Small joint= safe. Where were my nieces when I was in college? So skip ahead to this evening. Trucker Mon was home and and working in his garden. The garden is AMAZING this year! Well I have decided to try freezing and canning our veggies this year. Well, Jim walks over to me with 2 hands full of hot peppers and says, "Here Babe, here's some peppers for you to can." I look at the table and find 14 peppers. Oh, hold on, let me dust off my apron and can those 14 PEPPERS! 14 freakin peppers! After I'm finished writing this post I'll be Googling "Micro canning". Oh yeah, he also handed me 1 beet. Oh, Wendy if you happen to be reading this, I checked out the boat picture I posted of you and Jim. That is NOT back fat. I clearly remember it being a VERY windy day. You were also moving VERY fast in that Portaboat. What you were seeing was a combination of wind and speed rippling your shirt. NO backfat, just poofy billows of tank top.

Fishing

Since my computer is ANCIENT and I'm not able to easily add photos, I have decided to add a few groups today as a courtesy of Mom & Dad's computer. Here are some photos of our latest fishing trips. So far Cora and Reid have been the lucky fishers. Ella managed to hook a carp, but the line busted just before we were able to pull it out of the water for a photo. Leave it to Ella to catch a fish the same size as her!

Many Updates and Some New Stuff Too!

Yet again another month has flown by! Since the boys have been out of school my life has been an absolute blur! So, here are a few updates.... Memorial Day Cemetery hopping was a success. We all had a great time searching for, and finding, our War Veteran ancestors. We also happened upon many non-veteran ancestors as well. I now realize how much I love the idea of a family plot. Ya can find all your people at one shot! Just so everyone knows, you won't be able to find my grave when I'm gone. As I searched the cemeteries I realized.... rot just doesn't suit me. So, I have officially decided to be cremated. Now I just need to figure out what should be done with my ashes. They definitely need to start in a bottle of Yingling Lager. I've always wanted to submerge myself in a good Lager. I suppose that would be the only way to successfully accomplish this. I could always fill a bathtub with Lager and then soak in it. However, that will just leave me smelling all yeasty and would also be just a bit expensive. So, ya'll need to remember... send a bottle (or case, I'm a BIG girl) to the crematorium when I die. Oh, and make sure the crematory dude is Nazarene, or Mormon or Amish. I need someone reliable who won't bogart all the beer! So, steer clear of the Catholics ya know they'll chug the beer and leave me floating in bottles of piss! Then after I'm well soaked in the Lager I think the bottle(s) should be passed around allowing me to follow each of my loved ones around for a day. Then I could watch (hey, it's a basic law of physics: Energy can not be created or destroyed. Therefor I WILL be watching from somewhere!) and think gee, I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that shit anymore. Then you could all do with your bottle as you see fit. Honestly I think the funniest thing that could be done would be to bury the bottle VERY, VERY deep in a very remote location. Then hundreds of years from now when uptight, futuristic archaeologists dig me up I could stand by a watch them figure that out! Well, actually I'll be standing by laughing my ass off when they sniff, or taste it! Yeah, THAT would be funny! SO......... that was a bit off the beaten path.. what happened to the updates! Let's see.... Oh, Hayden will be playing Div 3 soccer this fall. He' s very excited about this. It's still a rec. league, but he will get the chance to play on different fields and against different teams. I let ya'll know more about this when we get a schedule (sometime in August). Oh yeah, I had a LOT of questions about the "No Baby Daddy and Ball-less Husband" post. Well as it turns out, No Baby Daddy apologized to my sister. Apparently she isn't quite as bad as I may have originally thought. Oh, and No Baby Daddy.... has a Daddy...who requires supervised visits. OOOH, she can pick em. Harsh I know, but common! Well, that's all the info, and "updates" my head can wrap itself around right now, so until next time.......