Letter To The Monster In Our House

Dear Mr. Monster,
This my final warning! I have given you softly spoken warnings. I have given you "screaming like a mad woman" threats. Still you have not complied. Therefore you have left me no other choice. This is my written warning. A warning for all the world to see! You must leave our house NOW! I'm not sure when you arrived, perhaps you've always been here, but lately you have been causing many problems in our otherwise calm household. First it was the constant, unexplained messes in the living room. Then the gross, science project like smears and spills in the kitchen. Now you have started picking on the children and leaving the seat up in the bathroom. I can not take such behavior any longer. You MUST LEAVE NOW! In your defence, I'm sure it isn't all your fault, but I can not believe my quiet,honest, loving, well behaved children could do such horrible things. Not only do you do them, but you walk away from them like you expect ME to clean them up. Well as you may know, the final straw broke last evening. In my sprint to the bathroom for my chance at a "private pee" my butt went over the rim of the potty and directly into the bowl. I screamed and interrogated each male in the house. Each one of them adamantly denied leaving the seat up. Yes, that's right, they all pointed the finger at you. Honestly, who else could it be! Who else would push my daughter and then deny it? Who else would draw on my sons' homework or stick half eaten lollipops into their book bags? My children, acting harshly toward one another? How dare you even suggest such actions! That's it Mr. Monster! No more toothpaste dollops laying on the bathroom sink, no more half eaten Go-gurt tubes leaking on the floor, no more unexplained broken coffee cups and NO MORE RAISED TOILET SEATS! Good-bye Mr. Monster! It has been decided my angelic children would do best without the likes of you! Good-Bye!